Something hit me today. Hard. At some point in the day, I was thinking about the child/parent dynamic, and how, even as a 52 year old woman, I still call my dad for help, for words of wisdom, for anything really. And that most of our conversations are focused on me and whatever is happening in my life. For the most part, it’s the same way with my kids, most of our phone calls are about them, and what is happening in their lives. As it should be.
But today it struck me that I want to know more about my dad. This feeling came on like a gust of wind, and sort of knocked me over with its force. When I get blown this way, I tend to try to figure out why. “Why am I feeling this?” “Why now are these thoughts coming?” “How can I do this?” “What is the best way to learn about my dad, and keep it?” “What exactly is it?” “Is it through interviews? Emails? What? How?”
I think I can honestly answer the first two questions. #1- Yesterday was my dad’s birthday, which demands that the reality of age and immortality are acknowledged. Or not. But this seems to be the year of no denial on this for me. #2- One of my best friend’s dad is nearing the end of his beautiful life. I have known her dad for 26 years, and to say he is a gentle-man would be an understatement. He is an affectionate, loving, sweet, generous, caring man. His love for his kids and grandkids is so powerful, you actually feel it in your own heart when you witness it. Yesterday (on my dad’s birthday), she and I got together to catch up outside in the garden (yes- double vax, boosted, and still meeting outside!). She was telling me about her dad’s current state and all that he goes through in a day. Tears rolled down my face, as I pictured this. I asked her, “Are you going to be ok when he dies?” Her answer was very rational sounding, very grounded, with a tone rooted in what sounded like acceptance.
Today I uttered the words, “I will NOT be ok!” [You should know it is not unusual for me to talk to myself….out loud.] These words came out as words, but landed on me like sandbags. Like wet sandbags. So there it is- my dad is getting older, my friend’s dad is at the end of his life, and I really want to know my dad…while he is here.
The phrase by Hillel, “If not now, when?” is what bubbles up from my heart to my brain. NOW! Now is the time to ask my dad questions about him, hear his stories, listen.
I am oh so grateful for his care, his guidance, and keeping me afloat in this crazy life. I think he feels he was not available when I was young, but let me just say, whatever it was he had to give back then, was everlasting and shape shifting. I am who I am because of his grace. And in the last decade, he has more than made up for the times he was busy working his ass off. Without him, I do believe my first born son would no longer be here on earth. Without him, I do believe I would not have survived my divorce. And without him, I do believe I would not be me. So thank you dad! For all of it!
Little Truth Tales 