Truth Tale # 5: rTMS. What is it anyway?

Today was my last day of rTMS treatment. Bitter sweet is what I feel about it ending. I’ve been doing a 5 day a week routine for the past 7 weeks, and the groove I get into is sometimes as soothing as the outcome of the treatment itself. My nurse Agnes is what I will miss most. She is an angel in disguise; She lifted me up when I wasn’t capable, and held me up until I could hold myself up. What an incredible gift she has been.

Ok..ok. But what exactly IS rTMS anyway? Friends will ask, “Are you still doing CBD? Or ECT? Or DBT? What it is called? And what is it?”. It’s definitely not any of those acronyms. I’m going to let Mayo Clinic tell you what it is by definition. And then I’m going to tell you what rTMS can and can not do…

Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is a noninvasive procedure that uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression. TMS is typically used when other depression treatments haven’t been effective. This treatment for depression involves delivering repetitive magnetic pulses, so it’s called repetitive TMS or rTMS.

So there’s that. And here is this…

What rTMS will not do:

It will not rid the world of people like Putin.

It will not bring world peace.

It will not get your son sober, and release the hellish worry that comes with that.

It will not turn your ex back into the human he was before you left him, so that his own children can recognize him…and the deep sadness that comes with that.

It will not remove massive resentments harbored within, and the rotting of the soul that comes with that.

It will not protect your children from pain.

It will not cure a pandemic.

It will not heal aftermaths of accidents that you wish you could just snap your fingers and make better.

There is a lot it won’t do. But. There is also a lot it will do….

It will bring back your desire to write.

And your love of sticking your nose directly into your husband’s arm pit immediately after his workout (I’m actually dead serious!).

It will make it possible to smile without faking it.

It will make you welcome phone calls that were once dreaded.

And make you want to take pictures again.

It will make it possible for you to hear your own voice again, the one you knew before depression.

It will make you able to watch hours of basketball, keeping your husband company, even if you don’t like sports.

It will make it possible to have the conversations you’ve avoided for so long.

You will see colors more vibrantly and hear music more beautifully.

It will make gratitude possible. And love feel big and bold. And notice the magically things in your everyday life.

These lists, both the good and the bad, could go on and on. But. There is ONE thing I know for sure, that ONLY can happen to me from rTMS, and that is this…

The wing of the hospital that I went to for my treatment always had a hint of familiarity to it. Something about the view out the window from the 7th floor. Last week I decided ask nurse Agnes this….”Do you know if this part of the hospital used to be the maternity ward…like 20 years ago?” She said, “Yes, yes it was! Why?” I smiled and said, “I thought so! This is the room I was in when I had my baby girl!” Ok, no…not true. I actually yelled, “Shut the fuck up! No way! Oh my god!” Then I told her why, while she was laughing with her sweetest giggle that I already miss.

I can almost with 100% certainty say that you will never have THAT happen with rTMS- having had your baby in the room that your treatments will be in….20 years later.