Truth Tale #6: DOPESICK

I’m so scared. I’ve done this before. Many times. The energy inside me drains out of me like a slow leak in a tire, eventually flattened and unusable.

The disease of addiction can be fucking unrelenting. It’s very tricky, and complex and horrifyingly painful to watch, when your own child is actively using. The fear is all consuming.

I can’t save him. I hate that. The powerlessness is bottomless. If you have ever had a kid, or taken care of one around toddler age, you will understand the way I describe how I feel about the struggle to get my first born son to safety…

You know when you try to put a toddler in their car seat, and they are not in the mood to cooperate, they are able to arch their little backs into a shape that will no longer fit into a car seat, stiff as a wood plank? And they transform their 25 pounds into 175 pounds of pure will and muscle? But. As their parent/care taker, you know they have to be buckled in, in order to be safe. So, after trying to calm them, soothe them, bargain with them, or whatever method you choose in this , “Are you fucking kidding me, everyone in the parking lot is watching this!” moment, you finally somehow maneuver their contorted body into the seat, just enough to get the fucking buckle clicked in, and you then know two things- 1) They will be safe now, and 2)Their will can no longer prevail.

The sad truth is, once they grow up and out of the car seat, it’s extremely difficult to “buckle them up” for safety, if they don’t want it. I can no longer work my mother-magic to get my son “into the carseat” he needs so desperately; I can no longer force-buckle him. Which is terrifying, because it really is life or death in this inferno of opioid addiction.

The only way for my son to be safe right now is, to want help, be willing to get it, and work like hell to stay safe. That’s no easy task! As a mom, that is what keeps me up at night, gets me up before sunrise, has my nervous system operating in overdrive, with what feels like an overflowing of adrenaline coursing through my veins, makes me cry when I see a boy on the streets that reminds me of my son, makes me jerk when my phone rings, afraid of getting “the call”, etc.

If you have never been touched by the opioid crisis, I know it is very difficult to understand, even if you want to. For everyone out there that is interested in gaining a deeper understanding of this messy disease, there is something out there that does an incredible job of explaining the progression of addiction, that I wish everyone would watch….It’s called Dopesick….on Hulu. It is the most profound and exact portrayal of this hell on earth. I beg you to watch it.

The bottom line is, I can not save my own child- no carseat, no buckle up. I’m powerless.

I hate that. I’m terrified. I’m tired. Again.

Please pray. And please watch Dopesick.