Anticipatory anxiety is a wrecking ball! The days leading up to my visit with Aidan have been ridiculous….One of those weeks where each and every day, you think you have a plan, just a simple daily plan, and for some reason it gets turned upside down and all is repositioned. Uncertainty is the word that comes to mind- the not knowing if what you think you know, is fact or fiction. Fun. I live in that place sort of always. As a trauma mama (AKA, a mother of a child with substance use disorder), I often feel this a permanent state of being. I know it is not, as nothing stays the same.
So Thursday ,my car starts feeling weird. When I try to start it, it feels hesitant, slow, undecided. Not sure if it has the energy to turn on and go. Friday morning is when I am supposed to drive to see Aidan. I have not seen him in 3 months, and the last time was traumatizing, that I am still in disbelief. Thursday night, I go to bed….and then wake up in the middle of the night…thinking…about my car..cuz what else is there to do but worry obsessively…What if it’s the battery? What if the engine is about to die? What if the car just stops in the middle of my drive and I’m stuck on a highway with no cell reception. Yep. All the “what ifs” start flowing like waves. Large waves. Dangerous wave. Catastrophic waves. My brain goes THERE.
What better to do in the middle of the night, but come up with a plan. Plans! Plans are good. If the plan can be executed from start to finish. Plan is this- get up early, start calling car service place at 7:00am (they don’t open until 7:30am), see if they can squeeze me in to check my battery, etc. Well, their phone lines were fucked up, because every time I called, I immediately got a beep, beep, beep and then was disconnected. The plan is already derailed. Plan B- just GO THERE…just show up and see if they can check the battery and I can be on my way.
I don’t think I will ever forget the faces of the many men I interacted with at the service place. You know how some dogs can tilt their head to the side, and look like they are confused and asking you, “Um. What are you saying?”? That was the look of these oh so nice and patient guys. I pull up, roll down the window and tell him what had been going on. He says it sounds like it is a battery issue. I’m sort of thrilled about this news, as there is a quick solution for that…so I think. I say, “Ok, great. So can you guys test the battery and replace it if need be? I’m leaving on a road trip right now.” His puppy face tilts. He responds with, “Well, it takes about an hour to test the battery, and I don’t even know if we can take you right away.” Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?!? “No, no. I need to leave like right now. How about this…do you sell batteries..just the battery itself? So I can just buy a new battery and put it in my trunk, just in case the battery dies along the way.” Puppy face tilts to the other side.. I must have had a look of panic in my eyes, because he calmly told me, “Oh. I see. Yes. That would be over in the parts department. You can drive around to the side of the building and if they have one in stock, you can get yourself a new battery.” Perfect! I drive off, waving happily, thanking him and the other guys for their help…seeing that all 3 of these men looks slightly perplexed. Bye, bye. Thank you.
Service Man! I go in, and Service Man is quietly eating his bagel and cream cheese. I could tell he was having a zen moment, BEFORE I got there. “Hi. The guys from other there told me I could purchase a new battery here, and that you could put it in my trunk cuz it’s heavy.” Service Man has the puppy tilt too! I’m thinking, “Jesus! Is it so weird to just want to have a new battery in my car? In case. What is so wrong with this request?” He looks on his computer and tells me the only one they have in stock is quite pricey. I say, “Of course it is,” and we proceed with the process. I’m telling him that I’m on my way out of town, that I just will feel more comfortable having it, blah blah blah. He carries it out and places it in my trunk, and wishes me well on my journey. Such a nice guy! Bye bye. Thank you.
I get in my car, put in directions, and start laughing. It’s ME that needs a new battery. It’s me that is tired, worn down, hesitant. My battery needs to be replaced. And now the puppy tilts and sweet, slow talking, patient guys made more sense. They must have seen and felt my very low battery, my almost brokenness. My FEAR. Something. I drove off thinking…”If it were only that easy to replace my battery!”
My drive began (after car service ordeal) with a sweet text from my mom, and then my music started and the first song that came on was Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles, which reminds me of my dad. Which then set my mind in motion, thinking about what was going into my battery right now, to recharge me…I think felt a floor of gratitude…I’m taking my mom, my dad, my women’s group, my husband, my sponsors, my sponsees, and so much invisible support was flowing into my battery…I felt the safety net of all of the moms who have gone before me, to see their sons, being scared, etc. I was not alone in this.
Now the music/singing fest could begin. I truly love blasting my music and screaming the lyrics…for hours…NO ONE listening (lucky!)…just finding the meaning and having an experience. It felt like almost every song that came on, could be tied into all of this. I guess that’s what music is for…the relating in, the shared experiences. Here is a glimpse into what was being screamed for hours…thinking about Aidan.
Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles (reminds me of my dad), Father & Son by Cat Stevens- “…how can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again…”, Best That I can by Vance Joy- “..sick of leaving things half done, leaving things half said…”, Brave by Nightbirde- “You’re brave, you’re brave, you’re brave, brave, brave, brave..”, Can I Kick It by A Tribe Called Quest- “can I kick it? YES YOU CAN!”, Let It Go by Meiko- “through your hands up and let it go, anything to make it better…give a little heart, give a little soul, all you have is now or never..”, Waiting For My Real Life to Begin by Colin Hay- “…just be here now, forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin…”, Sing by Maria Doyle Kennedy/Damien Rice- “…Sing where nothing is bolder and nothing is braver, than to set out from shore looking for harbor, than to set out not knowing, how near of how far there…”, Landslide remixed by Vitamin String Quartet (my solo!), and pulling up to airbnb…Ablaze by Alanis Morissette- “Second thing you’ll notice is that often we think that there’s not enough. It might feel dark. It may feel lonely and you’ll wonder why you’re here. You may be overcome with darkness and a sense of hopelessness….But it won’t matter if you keep your core CONNECTED to oneness.”
So there it is. The day before the day. I got into my airbnb to find a cute note typed on an old typewriter, welcoming me. And then my phone rang and it was Aidan! And just hearing his voice and knowing how close I am to him, made my nerves melt into joy and gratitude.
I can’t wait to see him tomorrow!
Little Truth Tales 