I do not know the first time I heard the term Failure to Launch. I don’t know what I thought about it when I heard it. I think I was too frozen in fear, fear for my son’s survival, to care what it sounded like. I was just grateful to find something that best described my son….who had been in and out of substance use disorder treatment centers, detoxes, sober livings for 8 years………… What I knew was that nothing was working to save my son. I know, I know. Don’t start in with AlAnon slogans please. Hear me out. We can’t save our kids, blah blah blah…they have to want to get help…….blah blah blah….yep….ALL of that is true, slogans included. Maybe the following paragraph will help better paint a picture of the struggle here. The underserved population of Failure to Launch human beings. <are you hating having to say those words? The word failure?>
He is not a young man with a physical dependence on fentanyl, aka SUD (Substance Use Disorder) ONLY.
He is not a young man with ADHD ONLY.
He is not a young man with depression ONLY.
He is not a young man with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) ONLY.
He is not a young man with anxiety disorder ONLY.
He is not a young man with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) ONLY.
And. He is not a young man with 2 or 3 of the above. He is a young man with ALL of the above. It is this combination (for my son) that resulted in the inability to create a meaningful life, to connect with a community, and to be able to sustain anything even close.
So when I say that no program seems to know how to treat and help my son, that is because there are very few places that know how to do this with success. As you can imagine, a detox and a 28 day in-patient program isn’t going to scratch the surface of this. This combination needs to be treated like the training for a marathon…and not treated like a sprint. The “sprint” programs just become revolving doors, with no proper solutions…and no positive outcomes. The Failure to Launch <ouch. I know. Did it feel uncomfortable to say it? FAILURE?> population needs long term care inorder to have a chance at creating a life worth living.
The notion of a man-child lying on his mom’s couch, waiting for a sandwich to be delivered from the kitchen, and living rent free in the basement, is NOT what I am talking about. That was portrayed in the 90s movie Failure to Launch…and has nothing to do with the actual label Failure to Launch. I don’t think I have ever talked to a parent of a Failure to Launch <yes! I agree…this term has got to go! There has to be a better way to describe this> adult child, that says, “Yea, Jon loves living on my floor, with no friends, sleeping all day, staying up all night…alone. Isolated, and seemingly barely existing.” Nope. Never. Not once. And I have talked to MANY parents over the past 10 years!
When you have a child with multiple diagnoses- SUD (Substance Use Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)…although, without the hyperactivity part, Depression, Anxiety, ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), and a sprinkling of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)….a “typical” treatment center is not going to cover all bases. They can’t. Many claim to treat dual diagnoses and co-morbitities, but barely do…or don’t at all.
It’s complex, messy, and difficult to parse out what is what, which comes first, what causes what, etc. I describe it as a big melting pot of lots of complicated diagnoses. The mixture is terrifying as a parent, because it feels like there is nothing out there in the treatment world that seems to know how to address this combination, fully, with the time it takes to build some solid ground. The training for the marathon approach.
Ok, now I will insert my feelings about the awful, stigmatizing, degrading unhelpful term. It puts a bad taste in my mouth to utter it, and a sad feeling in my heart to say it. FAILURE to Launch!!!!!!!?!?!??!?! Really? Just plain horrible, really. I’ve noticed that when I do say it, as of late, that I can’t even get through all 3 words without stopping to say, “Ugh. That is such a gut-punch term. We really need to come up with something less harsh, that is not sandbag heavy in its stigma load.” After hearing myself say that many times, I decided to really think about the impact of language, as it relates to stigma, the fact that words not only matter, but can have profound impact on people.
Think about it…..if you are a parent, have an adult child who has “all of the above”, wants help, but is embarrassed to even discuss this issue with friends, family, doctor, etc. Trying to get help when there is stigma attached to a label, makes everything that much harder. Many will hide. And the difficulties will grow. Isn’t it the goal, for people in need of help, to be comfortable seeking it? I think so. So let’s stop having to call our adult children FAILURES when discussing this, when reaching out for help. Let’s find the words that will help parents, that will help adult children in this, and help build a better society for all to thrive.
That is what I am working on now! That is my focus! I began by reaching out to those who have already had success with changing language to reduce stigma, and am very excited to say, there seems to be much interest in this! Not only that, but the people I have reached out to have been so generous with their time, knowledge, expertise. I have been blown away by the outpouring of help….
For example, when I reached out to Gary Mendell, Founder and CEO of Shatterproof about this, he responded with…”Your concern around “Failure to Launch” is so justified. Language has been proven, without a doubt, to affect the beliefs of the public and also the shame and stigma someone like your son feels.”
When I reached out to Patrick Kennedy, former member of the U.S. House of Representatives and a voice on the topics of substance use disorder and mental health, co-author of the book A Common Struggle- A Personal Journey Through the Past and Future of Mental Illness and Addiction, he graciously pointed me in the right direction, saying, “I would love to learn more about what nomenclature changes you come up with…Huntsman Institute is doing a lot in this arena, so you might want to check them out.”
Aaaaaaaaand, when I contacted Dr. Marcel Danesi, Professor Emeritus University of Toronto, Linguistic Anthropology expert and author, he stated that, “…if you change a name or label, you change the meaning.”
And that was just the beginning! I have since had the honor of discussing this topic with the brilliant minds in The National Stigma Initiative at Shatterproof, and continue to brainstorm with them and many others about how to make this much needed change.
Hmmm..ok…well…this post is MUCH longer than I thought it would be. But. So much to say. Oh, and guess what? After 17 treatment center over the course of 8+ years, we have found a place that considers Failure to Launch “their bread and butter”….knows this population well, understands what is needed, and is doing such important work! Thank you, Surfside Recovery.
If you are a parent of an adult child who you falls into the catagory of Failure to Launch, and would like to share your story (lived experience) with me (anonymous, of course. I am doing some informal research on this topic), please reach out to me at littletruthtales@gmail.com.
Let’s remove the word FAILURE, and remove the stigma!
WE can do this! Together.
Little Truth Tales 