Recovery is possible, and so is overdose and death. The paradox of the disease of addiction is real. There are miracles and tragedies; and as a mom of a son who struggles with substance use disorder, I sense I will always feel BOTH of these things- loving the witnessing of progress and happiness AND forever fearing the reality of just how powerful this disease is.
My mom and I went to visit my son, who has 6 months of continuous sobriety, and is thriving in a structured sober living. It had been a few months since I had seen him. It was astonishing to lay eyes on my 28 year old adult child, seeing him smile with such authenticity and an almost childlike earnestness. My heart flashed back to when he was 9, and that smile was something I’d see day and night, each and every day. When I had no idea one could lose such a thing- to be void of smiles.
His eyes sparkle; his laugh so genuine, that my ears had a delayed reaction in detecting what I was hearing. It is all NEW! None of this existed for the past 9+ years…and everything is different. It’s like having a cavernous gap in your child’s life- a stunted period of growth and development….and a forgetting of what his smile looked like, what his laugh sounds like. The answer to my monkey mind’s swirling question, “Will he ever experience joy again?” is solidified right in that moment. YES! He is doing it right now! And I am seeing and hearing it!
My heart bursts with a new happiness, experiencing something I’ve never experienced before- the witnessing of transformation….of profound change. A change you can’t fully explain to someone…it’s something felt and seen.
What I got to see was this…. He was the embodiment of the following: belonging to a supportive community, feeling a part of, being one among many, with new and shiny speckles of humility, a humbleness I’ve never seen, a sense of being comfortable in his own skin, being grateful for where he is, staying in the day, and in reality. ALL of this is new and different.
And here is why…He is doing everything new and different, taking suggestions, doing what other sober people do, doing the hard work each and everyday (there are no days off in sobriety). What fostered this change? Willingness? Timing? G-d? Brain maturation? Sick and tired of being sick and tired? All of the above? I will never really know the answer. I’m just beyond grateful he arrived here!
And that brings me back to….recovery is possible AND it can be deadly. The pic below is my mom (36 years sober), Me (14 years sober), and my son (6 months sober). This picture is us, enjoying a farm visit, having coffee, talking, laughing. This was a Saturday. This same day, most of the guys from sober living were attending a funeral for their housemate/friend, who died from this disease. I break for his mother. I’ve pictured that so many times over that last 8 years. No, I am not Eeyore. Well, sometimes I am. But I consider myself a realist when it comes to this fucker of a disease.
Laughter, joy, smiles, love, beauty, growth………………………….fear, overdose, tragedy, death. Do I feel both naches (it’s Yiddish for ‘feeling proud’) and terror everyday? I do. Can I be joyous and in fear at once? I can. But TODAY, my son is here…on this earth, creating a beautiful life. . And today, I am focusing on the JOY!
Little Truth Tales 